I Wish I Had My Own Car
by CraftyNotepad
Summary: Barbara Diffy drives.


_Author's Note: Check out Boris Yeltsin's revised "Phil Diffy, Babysitter!" _

**Depression**: "See 'Dismay.'"

**Disclaimer**: "the act of renouncing one's own claim, i.e., I do not own Phil of the Future, hence my depression. (See 'Depression,' 'Doldrums.')"

**Dismay**: "See 'Disclaimer.'"

**Doldrums**: "a Phil-of-the-Futureless Disney Channel during the summer."

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I Wish I Had My Own Car

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"Over here, Pumpkin Butt!"

Keely loved her mom and put up with yet another public display of one of her mother's colorful nicknames for her, yet again, before plastering on a cheerful smile as best she could under the circumstances and heading over in her direction. It wasn't easy.

Mandy Teslow continued looking at her daughter as she kept talking to Barbara Diffy, "Thanks again, Barb. I don't know how I would have gotten Keely to her dentist appointment with our car in the shop. You're a real lifesaver!" Keely entered the back seat of the Diffys' station wagon, the car Lloyd's research pointed out would be typical for American families - he'd gotten his decades mixed-up once more.

"Really, Mandy, this was no trouble at all. I'm having lots of fun - "

Keely interjected, somewhat painfully, "Want to trade? My mouth is so sore. New rule: nobody tells any jokes."

"Hurts to laugh, Keely?"

"You've obviously never heard my mom's jokes, Mrs. Diffy," barbed Keely with sort of a grin, which introduced her to the barbed wire now in her mouth. Barbara chuckled.

"Whatever you say, Brace Face."

"MOM!"

"I'm just joshing you, Buttercup. I think they're attractive. Barb? Can we stop by the five-and-dime so I can pick up some refrigerator magnets for Keely?"

Barbara was practically aghast, that is, until she heard the result of mother Teslow's ribbing.

"Mom! Will you cut it out, please?" Mandy's daughter pleaded, but there was a seed of laughter in her voice.

"Ooh, and, Barb, do you know where they sell happy name tags? Maybe a "Hi Sunshine! My name is Keely. Want to see me smile?"

"MOM, I'm begging you," Keely insisted with a grin everyone could hear in her voice, even a little laughter.

Barb joined in, "You know, Mandy, I think I do, and they're on sale today only at the Pickford Happy Badge Factory."

Keely surrendered in a pout, "Alright, alright, I'm surrounded."

All three laughed, though one's mouth hurt in the process. Stop light. The driver spun around.

"So, let me see, Keely," came Barb's request.

Keely flashed her a little smile. Barbara winced.

"That bad?"

"Wah? No. No-no-no, Honey. It was just that they caught the sunlight and blinded me for a second."

"Yeah, right."

"Really, Sugar."

"Barb, you're not doing it right, yet. Remember, you need to connect two items, that's what lets them know you care and you mean it; like this: 'Really, Sugar Plum?' 'Honey Bear, that's all that happened.' 'Everything's fine, Peppermint Tush."

"Mom!" Kelly tried insisting that her mother stop providing Mrs. Diffy with Teslow etiquette lessons, but she couldn't get anything more than "Mom!" out through her own laughter. Her mother was quite a character, from her lawn ornament loving toes to her homemade feline shower cap, and she certainly knew her daughter. Keely loved her mom and wouldn't trade her for anyone. She just wished she'd keep her nicknames for Keely between them. Mrs. Diffy, like all the Diffys, was highly impressionable and imitative, and the Diffys' house was practically Keely's second home. What if Mr. Diffy started calling Keely by edible nicknames? Never mind him, what if his daughter did?

Desperately, Keely tried to change the subject, "So, what have you two been talking about while I was in there being tortured with my mother's consent?"

"What do you think we were chatting about, Buttercup? How was that, Mandy?"

"I think you've got it, Barbara."

"Um, recipes?"

Barbara winced a bit, no sunlight in her eyes this time. Didn't Keely like the NIRDay pie she baked for Pim? Maybe she shouldn't have insisted that everyone not be wasteful and eat at least two of the blown out candles? "No. Guess again."

"The weather?"

Mother Mandy issued her a raspberry, "BR-R-R-PP! Wrongo, Banana Bottom. We were gossiping."

"Oh? What about?" Keely leaned forward, interested, as could be evidenced by the smile her mouth now formed. Keely loved to hear the latest.

"You and Phil, of course."

Keely leaned backward. "Oh." Never fun being the object of gossip, but having both of her "moms" doing the gossiping? 'Oh,' that can't be good. Time to change the subject again, "So, how's Mr. Diffy's, -" Keely barely stopped herself, she was so desperate for a change of venue. She couldn't say anything about the time machine repairs in front of her mother, but what else could she say now? The Weather Network? Mr. Diffy was kind of, well, dull; that wouldn't do it. Wrestling matches with Curtis? No, her mother might ask too many questions; worse, she might get the wrong idea and end up grilling Keely in private tonight. She could crack. "- job?"

"He's doing well, Kee - Lime Pie."

"Nice save, Barbara."

"I had a good teacher."

"So, young lady, don't try and change the subject again, my darling Rose Blossom."

"Nice one, Mandy."

"Well, I have had a lot of practice." Smiling, she looked to the back seat. "A LOT of practice." Keely grinned right back, not quite her usually broad grin, so Mandy, understanding, issued her a look of sympathy for her sore mouth, then added, "Did you know that there's a dance this month, Keely, a fancy dress up one?"

"Mm-hmm." Humming felt a little off in her mouth with the metallic wiring sharing the vibrations with so many of her teeth. "Star Light, Star Bright Ball."

"And?" both moms pushed for more details.

"And?" Keely answered, not giving away any hints.

"Are you and Phil going?"

"Maybe."

"Together?"

"Maybe, Mother."

"I think you should go. What do you think, Barbara?"

"I concur."

"This isn't fair. You're both taking one another's side. Mom, quit manipulating Phil's mother and let her make up her own mind."

"I'm not - Am I manipulating you, Barbara? Be perfectly honest," Mandy asked using her "mom" voice.

"Not in the least. It is my honest opinion, my own, that that Phil should be balling with Keely."

It got quiet immediately. Two out of three occupants in the car looked shocked. It took a while for someone not from this century to notice, but Barbara Diffy finally did. Did she say something wrong?

"What? Don't you want them to go balling together, Mandy? Did I pick up on your code wrong?"

Mandy was still shocked into silence, then managed to get out, "Dancing, Diffy."

"Tango Teslow. Are we playing a new word game, now? Twister Teslow, Mambo Mandy, um, gee, this is harder to play. Couldn't we -?"

"DANCING! You don't go 'balling' at a dance. I mean, you go dancing at a ball. Not balling. Dancing. Dancing!"

"But Mom, didn't you once tell me that Auntie Carol and Uncle Raoul -?"

"Keely, that's enough!" Mandy shot her daughter such a look. "And you, you're not going balling with anyone. Dancing. Dancing, either."

"But Mommy, you just got through saying that you thought I should go with Phil, and we've already made plans, and it's going to be ..."

Barbara realized that, unintentionally, she had started a mother-daughter rift that could hamper Keely's happiness. She still wasn't certain what mistake it was she had made, but it was clear that Mandy was mighty upset over it. She'd have to act immediately.

"We turn here, right?"

Mandy didn't answer her, so Keely confirmed it.

"I'm sorry, Mandy, Keely. It's just that where we're from, it's called balling, as well as dancing. Poor choice of words on my part. I am so sorry."

Mandy sighed. She didn't know Barbara Diffy well, and, come to think of it, she didn't even know Phil that well, only what Keely told her. But she did know her daughter. "I'm the one that's sorry, Barbara."

"I didn't mean to offend."

"She really didn't, Mom."

"Enough said. It's forgotten."

"Good," her daughter and driver blurted simultaneously.

Their car arrived at H. G. Wells just as school was letting out. Wiring Teslow's teeth had taken longer than anyone had realized; otherwise, the two mothers would have waited in the orthodontist's reception area, instead of enjoying the privacy of the Diffys' station wagon for their gossiping session.

"Now, where's your boyfriend?"

"MOTHeR-R-R!"

"Well, Honeysuckle, how do you describe him?"

Barbara could see in the rear view mirror that her son's girlfriend was blushing up a storm. Then, that storm intensified as Keely's eyes met her own. Graciously, Barb looked away, fortunately spotting her first born.

"Look, there's Phil."

Mandy suggested, "Why don't you?"

"Do you think I should?"

"Of course. Kids love it."

"Wait," Keely interrupted, "Kids love 'what?' Do 'what?' What are you two up to? Mom? Mrs. Diffy? Whatever my mother told you to do, don't."

"Now, remember to wave, Barbara. Waving is the icing on the cake."

"Can I honk the horn, too?"

Mandy smiled at her promising new student, which only encouraged Barbara all the more. Rolling down the window, Barbara stuck out her arm, gave two toots on the horn, and shouted as loud as she could in the direction of Phil and his schoolmates, "**HEY THERE, PUMPKIN BUNS! ****Hurry on over, get your bottom in the back seat next to Keely's and you can check her out! She's got on her shiny new braces!**"

Snickering ensued.

Maybe Keely and Phil really are meant to be, for at that exact moment, the two of them shared the same exact thought: "I want to die."

Mandy made a mental note: Barbara needs some more work. A LOT OF WORK.


End file.
